Asking for help comes easier to some people than others. Many factors influence whether one is likely to ask for assistance from others. Culture, background, familial upbringing and even gender. As a whole, women have somewhat of an easier time asking and receiving help than men. Again, this is generally speaking, like with anything, there are exceptions. However, universally speaking, it can be difficult to see people suffer, rooted in resistance to letting others into their inner world. This can be an incredibly sad and tragic experience to be isolated in ones experience of pain and despair. It is for those most resistant to asking for help I write this article in an effort to encourage a step towards letting others in to work towards personal gain, stability and betterment. This article is about doing something which can be comparatively as scary as learning how to swim while being hurled off a dock; asking for help.
To ask for help implies making oneself vulnerable to uncertainty. Being vulnerable is essentially taking oneself outside of their comfort zone and as Brene Brown puts is “asking them to dare greatly”. Delving into unknown territory be it a new job, new relationship or even coming to therapy involves a certain level of trust and reliance upon someone else. In individualistic societies such as the one in which we live, independence is equated with self-reliance, however, I can’t help but think that somehow this is all wrong.
Dipping your Toe in the Water
I am not going to lie that the first step towards asking for help is intimidating and scary, just as it may have been the first time you were about to plunge into the water. Perhaps it is scary to admit to yourself how much the quality of your life has dwindled, how much your relationship has suffered or that as much as you pride yourself on being self-reliant and resourceful, the current problem/ situation exceeds your capabilities to manage. Coming to terms with “what is” implies a certain level of acceptance of the situation, feelings of thoughts that have arisen. Take extra precaution here not to confuse acceptance with passivity or endorsement of the current “what is”. Acceptance has been described by Marsha Linehan, one of the many great minds in the world of psychotherapy as acknowledgment of facts and letting go of disputing reality through means of resistance. To accept something means taking a first step towards being able to make changes.
Treading Water
Feeling overwhelmed by circumstances, demands, emotions or cognitions lead some towards ineffective efforts to cope and manage on their own. In consideration of this, perhaps it can be scarier for some to ponder what happens if nothing changes? Patiently waiting, pausing and putting things on standby while applying the same skills and techniques without going far can begin to feel a bit like treading water.
Learning how to Swim
Many great athletes speak of visualization as being a crucial element in their wins. They have to see where it is that they want to go and from here, plan and train for how they are going to get there.
One acceptance has transpired, a request for help can be made be it of a friend, family member, or even a professional helper. At this point, it is paramount to clarify what you are seeking help? What is it that you are hoping to change, see happen or create? At times, many struggle to answer these questions, only having a clear sense of what it is that they no longer want.
Experienced helpers will work to best determine HOW to best help you. This is a collaborative process at best, in assessing, what do YOU value, want more of, or even less of in your life? What would this feel like, and what would become possible if these changes were made? From here, a plan is established and together this plan is set in motion gaining momentum with each stride. Though not a linear process void of setbacks, the therapist’s task is similar to that of a coach, working to keep you motivated towards working for change and to begin to experience setbacks in a different way.
Swimming requires an intricate dance of movement and coordination working in harmony with the waters natural flow. Therapy in many ways is very similar in approach in that therapists can help clients accept the flow of their life or align or realign their cognitive, emotional and spiritual components to their lives once more. Once in the water, it becomes easier with the support of someone else to begin to examine aspects which they wish to change or reconsider. Feeling supported and not pressured or hurried to make these changes is crucial in mastering technique and ease. Eventually, as confidence is gained, technique is mastered, the therapist swims back to shore, at first standing by from a distance in case they are called back into the water, eventually returning to their pillar.
Having been blessed to be a part of numerous therapeutic relationships there is something remarkable about bearing witness to a client’s personal transformation and newfound or even reclaimed independence when they allow themselves to dare so greatly and accept the help they need. From my perspective both personally and professionally, independence is enhanced by virtue of being able to ask and receive help from others. It is my hopes that you do.